Parisians prove they are all murky and lacking in substance as cafes around the Olympic host city are blown up trying to lure unsuspecting Australian tourists with fake flat whites.
The iconic Australian drink has found its way onto menus in the French capital, listed for around $4 alongside cappuccinos and other caffeinated drinks more traditional to the country, such as noisettes (a shot of espresso with a splash of skimmed milk).
The only problem? They are fake flatties. Big fat fake foam.
“A flat white is now becoming a global drink and the more generic coffee places or bistros have decided to put it on the menu because they see it as a valuable item, but not many of them know how to make one,” says Fox McInerney, a Melburnian who moved to Paris 14 years ago and opened Good News Coffee, a cafe that offers true blue plates for five euros.
His reasons for moving to the city were simple: “I like cheese, wine and bread.”
But there was a catch. The coffee was the worst. “So I had to fix it.”
His one-man mission is noble. Still, the fake plates are popping up like caffeinated moles around town.
The problems with the French plates are many: too hot, too frothy. And more often than not, they come out of a machine with a one-touch button, like 7-11.
In a chic bistro near the Arc de Triomphe, behind the picturesque red awning and the sweet rattan chairs, a dark secret lurks on the menu.
“CAPPUCCINO/LATTE/FLAT WHITE”
The three drinks are listed as if they are all interchangeable – different names for the exact same thing.
An order is made: a cappuccino and a flat white.
When the drinks arrive they look identical. The worse of the choices is no different with its usual brown chocolate-fueled sprinkles.
How can such a chic city get this wrong?
“Paris is known for its cafe culture – but their coffee sucks,” says Jay Swanson, a YouTuber who posts Paris-centric city guide videos (“helping Australians find a good flat white”).
“There is a culture here where coffee is medicine – you buy your place at a table. It is buying your space in a cafe and having that slow moment alone that is more important to the French. What is in the cup does not matter for them.
“If you go to America and they're happy with their boxed wine, they don't know the difference between their Malbec and Merlot. To them, coffee is just a commodity.”
When Australian book editor Richard Bilkey first moved to the French capital a decade ago, he noticed that the city certainly had a cafe culture but “the coffee was crap”.
“The French didn't want to spend more than a euro on an espresso,” he says.
“A coffee was just a cheap brown liquid that you bought and crushed at the bar.”
But over the years, he's also noticed the appearance of flat whites on the menu.
“There are a lot of places that say they make a flat white but they don't know what it is or how it's made. Now they know they have to say (they offer) flat whites but they don't know how to do it.”
“You take it and drink it and…”
He doesn't finish the sentence. Instead, he makes a sound that can only be described in two words: trés disgust.
Facebook: @hellojamesweir
